I’VE BEEN ROBBED BY ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE!
I’ve been robbed by Alzheimer’s Disease. The doors remained locked. The windows haven’t been breached. The TV is where it’s always been. The computer sits untouched.
This robbery is more of a personal assault. It is the theft of something much more dear to my heart. The thing that has gone missing is not an electronic device or a piece of fine jewelry. I am missing the relationship that I used to share with my very own mother.
Alzheimer’s has robbed me of my mom’s comforting presence. It has stolen my port in the storm. It has abducted my peace of mind, my shoulder to cry on, and my very best friend.
I know that we are not it’s only victims. It’s been on a crime spree for years and its appetite is insatiable. Memories and independence are its favorite cuisine. Relationships and feelings are scrumptious desserts.
I want to scream and rail at fate. I want to punch it and kick it. I want to kill it with my own bare hands, but that’s impossible as it always remains an elusive shadow. It hides behind those familiar brown eyes as it changes shape, color, and sometimes even vanishes completely for very short periods of time.
It always returns, though, ready to feast as if it were at an all you can buffet. Bits and pieces until there is only a shell remaining. Just hair and skin, bones and nails. The shadow of the amazingly remarkable woman who I call momma.
I still look for her. In that rare smile on her face. That light in her eyes that streak by like a meteor shower. So fast that you’re not always sure if it was real or just your heart playing tricks on you. I feel awed when I do manage to catch it. Its like witnessing the northern lights. Then it is immediately extinguished by the cold vacant stare and that miles-from-me look. I spend my days searching for ways to hold it at bay whether for a day, an hour, or simply a few moments. Those few moments to me are like holding the Hope Diamond right in my palm.
Remember to:
Appreciate the good, laugh at the crazy, and deal with the rest.
I love you momma!
Hugs, Rena. I can’t begin to imagine how painful this must be. I so admire your spirit!
Thanks Corinne, I always appreciate your support.
No security system, no police that can help. It is the silent thief that steals it all. I have unfortunately witnessed the shambles and disorder it leaves in its wake. Hugs dear Rena 🙂
Tina recently posted…The Fresh Flavors of Summer
Thanks Tina! I had no idea you had been through similar situations like this.
The last 5 or so years of my Mom’s life she was different. Not demented but clingy, scared,not independent. I felt robbed too of that incredible woman I had known forever.
Now she’s been gone for almost 14 years and I have her back. It was gradual but it’s true what they say about carrying people in your heart and feeling their presence. Much more and much better than the last years.
My father turned into a staunch Republican. But he was socially liberal and loved funny and brilliant people. So my sister and I decided he would have loved Bill–died the year before Bill was elected
So you keep them in your heart and you make them into the people you want or you remember from before or both!
pia recently posted…Be Careful What You Wish For
I know how much you miss your mom Pia and it breaks my heart for you. That’s great advice, dear friend.
Hold on to those special moments and store them up – they’ll help you through the long hours of watching your mum slowly disappear. At least you’ve had this extra time with her that many miss out on xxx
Leanne@crestingthehill recently posted…Monday cutie #16
We are making lots and lots of good memories Leanne. I am stashing them away like a squirrel stashes nuts.
“it’s appetite is insatiable. Memories and independence are it’s favorite cuisine. Relationships and feelings are scrumptious desserts.” Yes, you captured the beast so perfectly. My MIL has Alzheimer’s as did her father. Every once in a while we see a smile of recognition. Thinking of you, wishing you some diamond moments today.
Terri Jackson recently posted…Double Take, the Face in the Clouds
Thank you so much Terri. You’ve been so much in your life and you handle it with such grace.
Rena, I so feel for you. Though not through Alzheimer’s, but through cancer I dealt with the loss of my mother’s capacities. I understand your anger and sadness and appreciate your willingness to share. -Veronica
The GypsyNesters recently posted…Is the Food Good in Ireland? In Dingle it is!
Thank you Veronica and welcome to my blog. I have to admit you and your husband are heroes of ours. You are living our dream and hope one day to meet you on the road!
You have worded this perfectly. My mother had Alzheimer’s for nearly 10 years before she died. At the time of her diagnosis, I had one baby. She never really knew my 2nd daughter. It was devastating on so many levels and it’s only my faith that got me through. I am so sorry you are on this journey. I hope you make the most of the days you have and keep her memory alive in stories of happy days past. Peace to you.
Gina B recently posted…The Truth About Living GMO Free
I can’t imagine dealing with all of this while trying to take care of young children. My heart goes out to you because I can only imagine the amount of pain and hurt you have had to endure.
You sure have been robbed Rena. My heart goes out to you!
Nancy Fox recently posted…Skinny Kitchen is back up and running!!!
Thanks Nancy! I appreciate your support…and delicious recipes by the way!
Oh Rena – I’m so, so sorry. Even with all of the physical challenges, and everything you have to deal with, this is the hardest part. Sending hugs from here.
Lana recently posted…Motivational Monday XX
Thanks Lana, it’s having friends like you that help me keep everything in perspective. I appreciate your friendship so very much.
As much as you have shared about your mom – this post was a great summary of the emotions surrounding your relationship with your mom. Well done, Rena!
Carol Graham recently posted…Rescue Dogs Make the Best Pets
Thanks so much Carol!
My heart breaks for you. You express this eloquently, achingly. Lovely words from a hurting heart, words that surely resonate with many, comfort those in similar situations.
Hugs, hugs, hugs to you.
Lisa_GrandmasBriefs recently posted…Colorful Colorado, plus GRAND Social No. 168 link party for grandparents
Thank you so much Lisa! I always appreciate your comments and support!
Alzheimer’s is such a cruel disease. I know that you would give away the Hope Diamond to have your mother back as you once knew her. I am so very sorry Rena.
Susan – ofeverymoment recently posted…Week #10: My List of Fabulous Finds
Thank you Susan and yes I definitely would!
Rena, I’m so sorry you feel this way. I hope you find a new way to look at this disease and at your mom who has it.
My own experience is that the person remains, even into the late stages. I have been able to let go of wanting her to be who she was and instead to fully appreciate and love who she is now. In that way, I have hugely diminished my own pain and suffering.
I think we can do ourselves a favour by looking for what we can gain, rather than what we stand to lose.
I challenge you to write a follow-up post to this one with the headline “I have been blessed!”
I will do one too <3
Susan Macaulay (@AmazingSusan) recently posted…behind the lines of nursery rhymes
I do think positively, but I think it’s important to show both sides of Alzheimer’s it isn’t all bad and it is definitely far from all good as well.
Looking at the baby boomer numbers, we are about to see this crime snatch record numbers — of us, this time, not our parents. Every time I exercise I think of it as helping prevent my daughter from going through what you now face. Heartbreaking. My FIL suffered from extreme dementia his last 2 years, though he kept his warm nature. His memories were gone; his personality was affected. But his nature and character remained intact. We were lucky in that regard.
kymberlyfunfit recently posted…3 Seated Abs Exercises, plus Pretty Photos from Mexico
It is very scare to think about Kymberly. The numbers are only going to get worse.
Oh, Rena, you’ve made me cry! It IS like a thief that snatches only the most precious from us! I had to watch it with my Mom, who suffered with Parkinson’s. I remember one day, years after she had ceased to recognize anyone or anything. I was telling a story (because I do) and as I related the punch line, she suddenly came to life. Threw her hands up in the air and laughed and laughed. Then she dropped her hands and the vacancy was back. I’ll never forget it. Or for that moment knowing that my Mom was back. Grieving with you for the loss, my friend.
dltolley recently posted…Book Contest
While I’m glad you liked the piece I am so sorry to make you cry. What a beautiful memory and I know exactly what you mean sometimes that clarity came come out of nowhere.
Dear Rena, I’m so sorry. Nothing anyone can say can truly be of comfort to you. {{hugs}}
Roshni recently posted…Ten Things of Thankful #TToT
Thank you Roshni, the support of friends like you does help more than you know.
Brings tears to my eyes. I absolutely adore my mom. She is my best friend. And I worry about going through this same experience as I watched her go through it with my grandmother. Heartbreaking, heart wrenching. And that’s exactly how it feels…being robbed. The loving connection being taken away from you without your permission. All the hugs your way…
Heather Petri recently posted…This is 43
Thank you Heather. Mom and I have always had a very close relationship. It’s hard to watch, but I’m honored to be here at the same time.
P.S. I am blessed because:
http://myalzheimersstory.com/2014/05/01/i-see-you/
Susan Macaulay (@AmazingSusan) recently posted…Teepa Snow demos “hand under hand” dementia care to connect, comfort and “control”
It makes me think of Glen Campbell’s family saying the same thing–they also say that he is very sweet but he had to be moved to a center. So sad. So sorry.
Yes, it the same story all around the world and that number is growing very fast.
Beautifully written. Made me cry! I would love to find these robbers too.
Haralee recently posted…Could You Be a Bad House Guest? Are Guests From Hell Descending on You?
I hate to make people cry, but thank you for your support Haralee.
My heart breaks for you because I know that what was stolen will never be fully returned. Cherish those moments, fleeting though they are, when you get to see glimpses of the mom you miss.
Karen @BakingInATornado recently posted…A Day in the Life of a News Cycle
Thank you Karen. Every little moment these days are made bigger by the fact that we are more aware that they are all memories.
You are in my thoughts and prayers – may God continue to strengthen you during this trying time.
Antionette Blake recently posted…You Pick the Purse
Thank you so much Antionette!
Like everyone else. I’m so sorry for the sadness you feel around your mom. I think you do an amazing job acknowledging it, but at the same time making the most out of each moment. That gift of perspective is what I get from your writing. Hold onto those diamonds.
Meg Root recently posted…5 Reasons to Turn Up the Heat on Your Wellness Program
Thank you so much Meg what a beautiful thing to say! I really appreciate your comments.
My heart breaks for you. I know exactly how you feel as my dad suffered from dementia before he passed last year. She is so very lucky to have you…God bless you both my heart and prayers are with you.
Carolann recently posted…Enjoy Fresh Farm Goods And Support Your Local Farmers
What I am amazed at is how many people have been through Alzheimer’s with their parents. It is such a wide spread disease.
Hi Rena,
What a beautiful, poetic, yet absolutely heartbreaking post! When we read it we get to feel your pain and desperation. What’s also sad is the realisation that at some point we’ll all have to go through this. My heart goes out to you:)
Abby
midlifecrisisnut recently posted…60 Greatest Midlife Quotes of All Time
I hope that when you have to go through it these words here will bring you knowledge, comfort, support, and peace!
It’s funny…I read your blog and worry less about. My own mother than my children. My occasional memory losses scare me. And I hate your pain. I hate it. I wish I could take it away and give you your mother back. I’m sorry Rena.
Liv BySurprise recently posted…The Faces of Liv
That’s so sweet Liv! It’s something that I definitely not alone in. The problem is starting to take on epidemic proportions!
Such an awful disease, thank you for helping us understand that we are not alone in managing our daily trials. A dear close friend is a caregiver right now and I’ve shared your wisdom with her – thank you.
Thanks Kimba! I hope it helps just a little bit!