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Appreciate the good, laugh at the crazy, and deal with the rest!

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Home » Blog » OUR LIFE » MY STORIES » I’VE BEEN ROBBED BY ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE!

August 17, 2015 By Rena McDaniel 55 Comments

I’VE BEEN ROBBED BY ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE!

https://thediaryofanalzheimerscaregiver.com/2015/08/ive-been-robbed-by-alzheimers-disease/

I’VE BEEN ROBBED BY ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE!

I’ve been robbed by Alzheimer’s Disease. The doors remained locked. The windows haven’t been breached. The TV is where it’s always been. The computer sits untouched.

This robbery is more of a personal assault. It is the theft of something much more dear to my heart. The thing that has gone missing is not an electronic device or a piece of fine jewelry. I am missing the relationship that I used to share with my very own mother.

Alzheimer’s has robbed me of my mom’s comforting presence. It has stolen my port in the storm. It has abducted my peace of mind, my shoulder to cry on, and my very best friend.

I know that we are not it’s only victims. It’s been on a crime spree for years and its appetite is insatiable. Memories and independence are its favorite cuisine. Relationships and feelings are scrumptious desserts.

I want to scream and rail at fate. I want to punch it and kick it. I want to kill it with my own bare hands, but that’s impossible as it always remains an elusive shadow. It hides behind those familiar brown eyes as it changes shape, color, and sometimes even vanishes completely for very short periods of time.

It always returns, though, ready to feast as if it were at an all you can buffet. Bits and pieces until there is only a shell remaining. Just hair and skin, bones and nails. The shadow of the amazingly remarkable woman who I call momma.

I still look for her. In that rare smile on her face. That light in her eyes that streak by like a meteor shower. So fast that you’re not always sure if it was real or just your heart playing tricks on you. I feel awed when I do manage to catch it. Its like witnessing the northern lights. Then it is  immediately extinguished by the cold vacant stare and that miles-from-me look. I spend my days searching for ways to hold it at bay whether for a day, an hour, or simply a few moments. Those few moments to me are like holding the Hope Diamond right in my palm.

Remember to:

Appreciate the good, laugh at the crazy, and deal with the rest.

I love you momma!

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Filed Under: MY STORIES, STORIES, STORIES Tagged With: Alzheimer's, Alzheimer's Awareness, Alzheimer's Characteristics, Alzheimer's progress, Caregiver, Caregiving story, my stories, our life

About Rena McDaniel

I'm a recovering Alzheimer's Caregiver, a former loving daughter, a current wife, mom, and grandma who remembers all too clearly what it is like on the front lines of Alz Caregiving. I provide real advice, pro tips, or excellent tools from my own experiences and other experts I find along the way. A community of caregivers supporting each other!

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Comments

  1. Corinne Rodrigues says

    August 17, 2015 at 8:24 am

    Hugs, Rena. I can’t begin to imagine how painful this must be. I so admire your spirit!

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 20, 2015 at 3:53 pm

      Thanks Corinne, I always appreciate your support.

      Reply
  2. Tina says

    August 17, 2015 at 8:40 am

    No security system, no police that can help. It is the silent thief that steals it all. I have unfortunately witnessed the shambles and disorder it leaves in its wake. Hugs dear Rena 🙂

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 20, 2015 at 3:54 pm

      Thanks Tina! I had no idea you had been through similar situations like this.

      Reply
  3. pia says

    August 17, 2015 at 8:58 am

    The last 5 or so years of my Mom’s life she was different. Not demented but clingy, scared,not independent. I felt robbed too of that incredible woman I had known forever.
    Now she’s been gone for almost 14 years and I have her back. It was gradual but it’s true what they say about carrying people in your heart and feeling their presence. Much more and much better than the last years.
    My father turned into a staunch Republican. But he was socially liberal and loved funny and brilliant people. So my sister and I decided he would have loved Bill–died the year before Bill was elected
    So you keep them in your heart and you make them into the people you want or you remember from before or both!

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 20, 2015 at 3:55 pm

      I know how much you miss your mom Pia and it breaks my heart for you. That’s great advice, dear friend.

      Reply
  4. Leanne@crestingthehill says

    August 17, 2015 at 9:10 am

    Hold on to those special moments and store them up – they’ll help you through the long hours of watching your mum slowly disappear. At least you’ve had this extra time with her that many miss out on xxx

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 20, 2015 at 3:55 pm

      We are making lots and lots of good memories Leanne. I am stashing them away like a squirrel stashes nuts.

      Reply
  5. Terri Jackson says

    August 17, 2015 at 9:43 am

    “it’s appetite is insatiable. Memories and independence are it’s favorite cuisine. Relationships and feelings are scrumptious desserts.” Yes, you captured the beast so perfectly. My MIL has Alzheimer’s as did her father. Every once in a while we see a smile of recognition. Thinking of you, wishing you some diamond moments today.

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 20, 2015 at 3:56 pm

      Thank you so much Terri. You’ve been so much in your life and you handle it with such grace.

      Reply
  6. The GypsyNesters says

    August 17, 2015 at 10:11 am

    Rena, I so feel for you. Though not through Alzheimer’s, but through cancer I dealt with the loss of my mother’s capacities. I understand your anger and sadness and appreciate your willingness to share. -Veronica

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 20, 2015 at 3:57 pm

      Thank you Veronica and welcome to my blog. I have to admit you and your husband are heroes of ours. You are living our dream and hope one day to meet you on the road!

      Reply
  7. Gina B says

    August 17, 2015 at 10:34 am

    You have worded this perfectly. My mother had Alzheimer’s for nearly 10 years before she died. At the time of her diagnosis, I had one baby. She never really knew my 2nd daughter. It was devastating on so many levels and it’s only my faith that got me through. I am so sorry you are on this journey. I hope you make the most of the days you have and keep her memory alive in stories of happy days past. Peace to you.

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 20, 2015 at 3:59 pm

      I can’t imagine dealing with all of this while trying to take care of young children. My heart goes out to you because I can only imagine the amount of pain and hurt you have had to endure.

      Reply
  8. Nancy Fox says

    August 17, 2015 at 10:43 am

    You sure have been robbed Rena. My heart goes out to you!

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 20, 2015 at 4:00 pm

      Thanks Nancy! I appreciate your support…and delicious recipes by the way!

      Reply
  9. Lana says

    August 17, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    Oh Rena – I’m so, so sorry. Even with all of the physical challenges, and everything you have to deal with, this is the hardest part. Sending hugs from here.

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 20, 2015 at 4:01 pm

      Thanks Lana, it’s having friends like you that help me keep everything in perspective. I appreciate your friendship so very much.

      Reply
  10. Carol Graham says

    August 17, 2015 at 12:16 pm

    As much as you have shared about your mom – this post was a great summary of the emotions surrounding your relationship with your mom. Well done, Rena!

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 29, 2015 at 11:21 am

      Thanks so much Carol!

      Reply
  11. Lisa_GrandmasBriefs says

    August 17, 2015 at 1:07 pm

    My heart breaks for you. You express this eloquently, achingly. Lovely words from a hurting heart, words that surely resonate with many, comfort those in similar situations.

    Hugs, hugs, hugs to you.

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 29, 2015 at 10:46 am

      Thank you so much Lisa! I always appreciate your comments and support!

      Reply
  12. Susan - ofeverymoment says

    August 17, 2015 at 1:36 pm

    Alzheimer’s is such a cruel disease. I know that you would give away the Hope Diamond to have your mother back as you once knew her. I am so very sorry Rena.

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 29, 2015 at 10:47 am

      Thank you Susan and yes I definitely would!

      Reply
  13. Susan Macaulay (@AmazingSusan) says

    August 17, 2015 at 1:47 pm

    Rena, I’m so sorry you feel this way. I hope you find a new way to look at this disease and at your mom who has it.

    My own experience is that the person remains, even into the late stages. I have been able to let go of wanting her to be who she was and instead to fully appreciate and love who she is now. In that way, I have hugely diminished my own pain and suffering.

    I think we can do ourselves a favour by looking for what we can gain, rather than what we stand to lose.

    I challenge you to write a follow-up post to this one with the headline “I have been blessed!”

    I will do one too <3

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 29, 2015 at 10:48 am

      I do think positively, but I think it’s important to show both sides of Alzheimer’s it isn’t all bad and it is definitely far from all good as well.

      Reply
  14. kymberlyfunfit says

    August 17, 2015 at 2:01 pm

    Looking at the baby boomer numbers, we are about to see this crime snatch record numbers — of us, this time, not our parents. Every time I exercise I think of it as helping prevent my daughter from going through what you now face. Heartbreaking. My FIL suffered from extreme dementia his last 2 years, though he kept his warm nature. His memories were gone; his personality was affected. But his nature and character remained intact. We were lucky in that regard.

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 29, 2015 at 10:48 am

      It is very scare to think about Kymberly. The numbers are only going to get worse.

      Reply
  15. dltolley says

    August 17, 2015 at 3:43 pm

    Oh, Rena, you’ve made me cry! It IS like a thief that snatches only the most precious from us! I had to watch it with my Mom, who suffered with Parkinson’s. I remember one day, years after she had ceased to recognize anyone or anything. I was telling a story (because I do) and as I related the punch line, she suddenly came to life. Threw her hands up in the air and laughed and laughed. Then she dropped her hands and the vacancy was back. I’ll never forget it. Or for that moment knowing that my Mom was back. Grieving with you for the loss, my friend.

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 29, 2015 at 10:50 am

      While I’m glad you liked the piece I am so sorry to make you cry. What a beautiful memory and I know exactly what you mean sometimes that clarity came come out of nowhere.

      Reply
  16. Roshni says

    August 17, 2015 at 4:17 pm

    Dear Rena, I’m so sorry. Nothing anyone can say can truly be of comfort to you. {{hugs}}

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 29, 2015 at 10:51 am

      Thank you Roshni, the support of friends like you does help more than you know.

      Reply
  17. Heather Petri says

    August 17, 2015 at 4:35 pm

    Brings tears to my eyes. I absolutely adore my mom. She is my best friend. And I worry about going through this same experience as I watched her go through it with my grandmother. Heartbreaking, heart wrenching. And that’s exactly how it feels…being robbed. The loving connection being taken away from you without your permission. All the hugs your way…

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 29, 2015 at 10:52 am

      Thank you Heather. Mom and I have always had a very close relationship. It’s hard to watch, but I’m honored to be here at the same time.

      Reply
  18. Susan Macaulay (@AmazingSusan) says

    August 17, 2015 at 11:16 pm

    P.S. I am blessed because:

    http://myalzheimersstory.com/2014/05/01/i-see-you/

    Reply
  19. Estelle S. Erasmus (@EstelleSErasmus) says

    August 18, 2015 at 1:32 am

    It makes me think of Glen Campbell’s family saying the same thing–they also say that he is very sweet but he had to be moved to a center. So sad. So sorry.

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 29, 2015 at 10:52 am

      Yes, it the same story all around the world and that number is growing very fast.

      Reply
  20. Haralee says

    August 18, 2015 at 3:42 pm

    Beautifully written. Made me cry! I would love to find these robbers too.

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 29, 2015 at 10:53 am

      I hate to make people cry, but thank you for your support Haralee.

      Reply
  21. Karen @BakingInATornado says

    August 18, 2015 at 4:47 pm

    My heart breaks for you because I know that what was stolen will never be fully returned. Cherish those moments, fleeting though they are, when you get to see glimpses of the mom you miss.

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 29, 2015 at 10:54 am

      Thank you Karen. Every little moment these days are made bigger by the fact that we are more aware that they are all memories.

      Reply
  22. Antionette Blake says

    August 19, 2015 at 10:09 am

    You are in my thoughts and prayers – may God continue to strengthen you during this trying time.

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 29, 2015 at 10:57 am

      Thank you so much Antionette!

      Reply
  23. Meg Root says

    August 19, 2015 at 2:30 pm

    Like everyone else. I’m so sorry for the sadness you feel around your mom. I think you do an amazing job acknowledging it, but at the same time making the most out of each moment. That gift of perspective is what I get from your writing. Hold onto those diamonds.

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 20, 2015 at 4:03 pm

      Thank you so much Meg what a beautiful thing to say! I really appreciate your comments.

      Reply
  24. Carolann says

    August 19, 2015 at 10:15 pm

    My heart breaks for you. I know exactly how you feel as my dad suffered from dementia before he passed last year. She is so very lucky to have you…God bless you both my heart and prayers are with you.

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 20, 2015 at 4:08 pm

      What I am amazed at is how many people have been through Alzheimer’s with their parents. It is such a wide spread disease.

      Reply
  25. midlifecrisisnut says

    August 20, 2015 at 8:44 pm

    Hi Rena,
    What a beautiful, poetic, yet absolutely heartbreaking post! When we read it we get to feel your pain and desperation. What’s also sad is the realisation that at some point we’ll all have to go through this. My heart goes out to you:)
    Abby

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 29, 2015 at 11:02 am

      I hope that when you have to go through it these words here will bring you knowledge, comfort, support, and peace!

      Reply
  26. Liv BySurprise says

    August 21, 2015 at 7:34 am

    It’s funny…I read your blog and worry less about. My own mother than my children. My occasional memory losses scare me. And I hate your pain. I hate it. I wish I could take it away and give you your mother back. I’m sorry Rena.

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 29, 2015 at 11:06 am

      That’s so sweet Liv! It’s something that I definitely not alone in. The problem is starting to take on epidemic proportions!

      Reply
  27. Kimba says

    August 24, 2015 at 8:17 am

    Such an awful disease, thank you for helping us understand that we are not alone in managing our daily trials. A dear close friend is a caregiver right now and I’ve shared your wisdom with her – thank you.

    Reply
    • Rena McDaniel says

      August 29, 2015 at 11:31 am

      Thanks Kimba! I hope it helps just a little bit!

      Reply

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