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Home » Blog » YOUR CAREGIVER STORIES » GUEST BLOGGERS » Let Them Eat Cake! 12 Things You Can Do To Improve Relationships With Aging Parents While Caregiving

January 25, 2016 By Rena McDaniel 34 Comments

Let Them Eat Cake! 12 Things You Can Do To Improve Relationships With Aging Parents While Caregiving

Let Them Eat Cake! 12 Things You Can Do To Improve Your Relationship With Aging Parents While Caregiving https://thediaryofanalzheimerscaregiver.com/2016/01/let-them-eat-cake-12-things-you-can-do-to-improve-relationships-with-aging-parents-while-caregiving/Caregiving for our elderly parents can be one of the most anxiety-inducing, stressful times of our lives. It can be a time of all-consuming sadness and another unwanted lesson in letting go. It can also be a time we struggle with our siblings and extended family members as well as with our own emotions.

Right now your hours may be extremely long but the days with your loved one are growing shorter and shorter.

There are a few simple things you can do to lessen the stress and make the experience a more rewarding one.

Choose your battles with your parent and your siblings wisely. Ask these questions before battling:

  • What will it matter at the end?
  • How will it affect his/her quality of life?
  • Is there a compromise that can be made here?

 

  1. First and foremost you must let go of your need to control them and/ or the situation. They are not children and should never be treated like such.
  2. Do not try to change them, it is a waste of time and causes massive amounts of frustration, for both of you. Instead, change you and the way you react.
  3. Breathe and count to ten. Repeat often.
  4. Listen to them more and talk at them less. When they are gone you will wish you had.
  5. Never get angry with them, ever. This may be their last day here, let them live it the way they want.
  6. Forgive them for everything, not for them but for you.
  7. Be kind to them and everyone involved in their care including, yourself.
  8. Let them eat and drink whatever they want when they want. If they are diabetic and want to eat sweets find a compromise. If they refuse to drink water offer iced tea.
  9. If they want to stay up all night watching infomercials let them. If they want to sleep all day let them.
  10. If they no longer want to take their pills throw the pills away. Do they really need those vitamins? If they need to take something for pain or blood pressure try to compromise with them. Crush any vital meds and put them in applesauce, pudding or ice cream.
  11. Never, ever argue with them. It will just frustrate and make you both angry. What is the point of that? Give in and you will both be happier.
  12. If they don’t want to go out do not force them. They may be fearful of falling or of being a burden. Let them stay home but be sure to bring them back a plate, plenty of photos and cake. Don’t ever forget the cake.

 

During a parent’s illness is the worst time to air family grievances. Discuss your parent’s wishes while they can still express them. Elect someone to be in charge that will support your parent’s wishes and support whoever that person is. If that person is you accept help when it is offered and if no one offers then ask for help.

While caregiving for a parent is without a doubt a sad situation it can also be one of the most meaningful things you will ever do. Don’t forget to take care of yourself and never turn down cake.

Doreens bio picDoreen McGettigan is an award-winning blogger, teacher, and author. She coaches writers and ghostwrites.

She sits on the executive board of the Press Club of Pa. and facilitates their professional development workshops.

Her first book, Bristol boyz Stomp [TATE 2012] is the true story of her brother’s random road rage murder. Her second book The Stranger in My Recliner is the true story of Sophie, an 80-year-old homeless woman that Doreen and her husband John took in. She lived with them for 3-years. It will be released on January 26, 2016.

She lives in Delaware County, Pa. just south of Philadelphia with her husband. They have five children, two more in heaven and thirteen grandchildren.

http://www.doreenmcgettigan.com

https://www.facebook.com/bristol–boyz–Stomp-113804488656243

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Filed Under: GUEST BLOGGERS, TIPS, YOUR CAREGIVER STORIES Tagged With: Caregiver awareness, Caregiver tips, dementia, dementia tips, Doreen McGettigan, guest posts

About Rena McDaniel

I'm a recovering Alzheimer's Caregiver, a former loving daughter, a current wife, mom, and grandma who remembers all too clearly what it is like on the front lines of Alz Caregiving. I provide real advice, pro tips, or excellent tools from my own experiences and other experts I find along the way. A community of caregivers supporting each other!

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Comments

  1. pia says

    January 25, 2016 at 8:54 am

    I love this list.
    One thing–if a parent isn’t demented but “just” frail or “slightly” demented sometimes you’re going to revert to pattern, old habits or just frustration and get angry. As long as it’s not harmful—asking a parent to choose between children for example that’s fine.
    Sometimes a parent wants to feel in control or that nothing has changed and “yelling” might be a part of that.
    Don’t feel guilty for being human.

    Reply
  2. Haralee says

    January 25, 2016 at 9:26 am

    Wonderful list. I would like to add don’t correct. My Mother would say her nickname was ‘Queenie’. We had no idea where this came from but if it made her happy………

    Reply
    • doreenb8 says

      January 25, 2016 at 8:25 pm

      I agree. What harm would there be in a new nickname.

      Reply
  3. Jennifer says

    January 25, 2016 at 10:10 am

    Beautiful list! In the end it won’t really matter if you let them do these things. Eat that cake. Stay awake all night etc. Just allowing them the pleasure you can allow them, is the kindest thing to do. And easier much easier on the caregiver.

    Reply
    • doreenb8 says

      January 25, 2016 at 8:26 pm

      It is definitely easier on all involved, especially them.

      Reply
  4. Carol Graham says

    January 25, 2016 at 10:44 am

    I never was in this position but totally agree with your list. I also think many of these could be applied to marriage — pick your battles, make sure it is worth it!

    Reply
    • doreenb8 says

      January 25, 2016 at 8:27 pm

      Good point, my husband loves cake and is eating it as I type!

      Reply
  5. Mithra Ballesteros says

    January 25, 2016 at 11:41 am

    Thank you thank you for so much wisdom expressed so succinctly. Passing it to many. Doreen, may you enjoy some cake today as well.

    Reply
    • doreenb8 says

      January 25, 2016 at 8:28 pm

      Thank you and thank you for sharing!

      Reply
  6. jane says

    January 25, 2016 at 12:16 pm

    Please be careful about crushing pills. Some are designed to slowly be absorbed and can cause bleeding on the brain if crushed and eaten. Also it is not wise to let dementia sufferers stay up all night unless someone is with them. Their dementia is often worse in the late evening and the house can be scary and unfamiliar to them in the dark. My father has mild but rapidly worsening dementia and I can’t say I agree with all these observations of yours, well intentioned as they are. Good luck with your caring.

    Reply
    • doreenb8 says

      January 25, 2016 at 8:22 pm

      I would never crush anything without consulting with the pharmacist first. Many meds also come in liquid form, it doesn’t hurt to ask!

      Reply
  7. nancy@skinnykitchen.com says

    January 25, 2016 at 1:18 pm

    Thanks for sharing such a helpful list Cathy!
    Great advice Doreen and love the cake idea!

    Reply
    • nancy@skinnykitchen.com says

      January 25, 2016 at 1:20 pm

      Sorry…I meant to say Rena not Cathy. Boy do i need a second cup of coffee!

      Reply
      • doreenb8 says

        January 25, 2016 at 8:29 pm

        Thank you!

        Reply
  8. Teresa from NanaHood says

    January 25, 2016 at 1:25 pm

    Wonderful list! I tweeted for you! Big hugs to you and yours!

    Reply
    • doreenb8 says

      January 25, 2016 at 8:32 pm

      Thank you Teresa, hugs back at you!

      Reply
  9. Karen @BakingInATornado says

    January 25, 2016 at 1:32 pm

    Not only is this a valuable list, but a thoughtful way to regain perspective while going through some very stressful times. In the end we said “screw any diet” and gave my grandmother all of her favorite foods. I still see her smile as I walked in the door with McDonald’s french fries. Those are the things that stay with you.

    Reply
    • doreenb8 says

      January 25, 2016 at 8:23 pm

      I love that!

      Reply
  10. Joy says

    January 25, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    Such a valuable list! There is so much wisdom in all this, and what will particularly stick with me is the question, ‘What will it matter in the end?” Thank you for sharing all this wisdom 🙂

    Reply
    • doreenb8 says

      January 25, 2016 at 8:33 pm

      That really is the point. I know too many people that live with guilt over things they did that only seem silly in the end.

      Reply
  11. Cathy Sikorski says

    January 25, 2016 at 2:00 pm

    Of course there are exceptions to every rule…but this list should definitely go on a caregivers fridge. It’s the idea of most of it…which is please, for heaven’s sake don’t sweat the small stuff. Yes, Let Them Eat Cake…and smile with them while you’re at it! Read Doreen’s book and all caregivers will so appreciate her honesty and journey! Love to you both, Rena and Doreen!

    Reply
    • doreenb8 says

      January 25, 2016 at 8:34 pm

      Thank you so much Cathy!

      Reply
  12. Carol Cassara says

    January 25, 2016 at 2:07 pm

    This is some of the best advice I’ve seen on the subject of aging parents. Thank you for making common sense the theme.

    Reply
    • doreenb8 says

      January 25, 2016 at 8:35 pm

      Thank you so much Carol, I am big on common sense!

      Reply
  13. Debra Wyatt says

    January 25, 2016 at 2:11 pm

    Best advice I’ve ever read for family and/or caregivers!

    Reply
    • doreenb8 says

      January 25, 2016 at 8:35 pm

      Thank you so very much!

      Reply
  14. Beth Havey says

    January 25, 2016 at 2:37 pm

    Hi Doreen, love the cake thing. My mother lived to be 97 and the last meal she had on this earth was chocolate pudding. I just thought of this reading your post. And yes compromise is huge and you don’t want to create an angry situation that might be the last encounter you have with this special person in your life. And yes, crushing some pills can be dangerous. Most pharmacists will label and warn you. THANKS.

    Reply
    • doreenb8 says

      January 25, 2016 at 8:37 pm

      My mother in law loved chocolate pudding! Also I would never crush pills without consulting with the pharmacist, I should have put that in there!

      Reply
  15. Helene Cohen Bludman says

    January 25, 2016 at 8:02 pm

    Wise words, Doreen. You have been there and I trust your advice completely. This post should be required reading for us midlifers!

    Reply
    • doreenb8 says

      January 25, 2016 at 8:39 pm

      Thank you so much Helene. It wasn’t always easy but in the end I wanted there to be smiles.

      Reply
  16. Carolann says

    January 25, 2016 at 9:15 pm

    Every one of these pointers is right on! Especially don’t argue. Both my parents are gone now…these would have been a great reinforcement for me to read before they passed. It’s so important to be kind to them and as you said, yourself too!

    Reply
  17. Lana says

    January 26, 2016 at 1:15 am

    This is a brilliant list. We finally figured these things out after much trial and error with my mother in law. During her last year, she almost exclusively ate Haagen Daaz ice cream bars. We never argued with her about it, and it made her happy!

    Reply
  18. Roshni says

    February 4, 2016 at 3:57 pm

    Such a thoughtful list! I love it, and I remember my mom doing exactly this for my grandmom!
    Your updated site looks lovely, Rena! I love your header!!

    Reply
  19. Liv says

    February 6, 2016 at 8:48 pm

    I’m loving the guest posts Rena. I use similar tactics with my kids.

    Reply

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