Caregiving for our elderly parents can be one of the most anxiety-inducing, stressful times of our lives. It can be a time of all-consuming sadness and another unwanted lesson in letting go. It can also be a time we struggle with our siblings and extended family members as well as with our own emotions.
Right now your hours may be extremely long but the days with your loved one are growing shorter and shorter.
There are a few simple things you can do to lessen the stress and make the experience a more rewarding one.
Choose your battles with your parent and your siblings wisely. Ask these questions before battling:
- What will it matter at the end?
- How will it affect his/her quality of life?
- Is there a compromise that can be made here?
- First and foremost you must let go of your need to control them and/ or the situation. They are not children and should never be treated like such.
- Do not try to change them, it is a waste of time and causes massive amounts of frustration, for both of you. Instead, change you and the way you react.
- Breathe and count to ten. Repeat often.
- Listen to them more and talk at them less. When they are gone you will wish you had.
- Never get angry with them, ever. This may be their last day here, let them live it the way they want.
- Forgive them for everything, not for them but for you.
- Be kind to them and everyone involved in their care including, yourself.
- Let them eat and drink whatever they want when they want. If they are diabetic and want to eat sweets find a compromise. If they refuse to drink water offer iced tea.
- If they want to stay up all night watching infomercials let them. If they want to sleep all day let them.
- If they no longer want to take their pills throw the pills away. Do they really need those vitamins? If they need to take something for pain or blood pressure try to compromise with them. Crush any vital meds and put them in applesauce, pudding or ice cream.
- Never, ever argue with them. It will just frustrate and make you both angry. What is the point of that? Give in and you will both be happier.
- If they don’t want to go out do not force them. They may be fearful of falling or of being a burden. Let them stay home but be sure to bring them back a plate, plenty of photos and cake. Don’t ever forget the cake.
During a parent’s illness is the worst time to air family grievances. Discuss your parent’s wishes while they can still express them. Elect someone to be in charge that will support your parent’s wishes and support whoever that person is. If that person is you accept help when it is offered and if no one offers then ask for help.
While caregiving for a parent is without a doubt a sad situation it can also be one of the most meaningful things you will ever do. Don’t forget to take care of yourself and never turn down cake.
Doreen McGettigan is an award-winning blogger, teacher, and author. She coaches writers and ghostwrites.
She sits on the executive board of the Press Club of Pa. and facilitates their professional development workshops.
Her first book, Bristol boyz Stomp [TATE 2012] is the true story of her brother’s random road rage murder. Her second book The Stranger in My Recliner is the true story of Sophie, an 80-year-old homeless woman that Doreen and her husband John took in. She lived with them for 3-years. It will be released on January 26, 2016.
She lives in Delaware County, Pa. just south of Philadelphia with her husband. They have five children, two more in heaven and thirteen grandchildren.
http://www.doreenmcgettigan.com
https://www.facebook.com/bristol–boyz–Stomp-113804488656243
I love this list.
One thing–if a parent isn’t demented but “just” frail or “slightly” demented sometimes you’re going to revert to pattern, old habits or just frustration and get angry. As long as it’s not harmful—asking a parent to choose between children for example that’s fine.
Sometimes a parent wants to feel in control or that nothing has changed and “yelling” might be a part of that.
Don’t feel guilty for being human.
pia recently posted…The Bag Lady Scenario or Is Cat Food In My Future
Wonderful list. I would like to add don’t correct. My Mother would say her nickname was ‘Queenie’. We had no idea where this came from but if it made her happy………
Haralee recently posted…Keeping the Holiday Spirit
I agree. What harm would there be in a new nickname.
Beautiful list! In the end it won’t really matter if you let them do these things. Eat that cake. Stay awake all night etc. Just allowing them the pleasure you can allow them, is the kindest thing to do. And easier much easier on the caregiver.
It is definitely easier on all involved, especially them.
doreenb8 recently posted…The Snowman…
I never was in this position but totally agree with your list. I also think many of these could be applied to marriage — pick your battles, make sure it is worth it!
Carol Graham recently posted…How Does Flattery Affect You?
Good point, my husband loves cake and is eating it as I type!
doreenb8 recently posted…The Snowman…
Thank you thank you for so much wisdom expressed so succinctly. Passing it to many. Doreen, may you enjoy some cake today as well.
Mithra Ballesteros recently posted…Adventures While Traveling with Children
Thank you and thank you for sharing!
doreenb8 recently posted…The Snowman…
Please be careful about crushing pills. Some are designed to slowly be absorbed and can cause bleeding on the brain if crushed and eaten. Also it is not wise to let dementia sufferers stay up all night unless someone is with them. Their dementia is often worse in the late evening and the house can be scary and unfamiliar to them in the dark. My father has mild but rapidly worsening dementia and I can’t say I agree with all these observations of yours, well intentioned as they are. Good luck with your caring.
I would never crush anything without consulting with the pharmacist first. Many meds also come in liquid form, it doesn’t hurt to ask!
doreenb8 recently posted…The Snowman…
Thanks for sharing such a helpful list Cathy!
Great advice Doreen and love the cake idea!
nancy@skinnykitchen.com recently posted…Absolutely Delicious, Skinny Beef and Bean Enchilada Casserole
Sorry…I meant to say Rena not Cathy. Boy do i need a second cup of coffee!
nancy@skinnykitchen.com recently posted…Absolutely Delicious, Skinny Beef and Bean Enchilada Casserole
Thank you!
doreenb8 recently posted…The Snowman…
Wonderful list! I tweeted for you! Big hugs to you and yours!
Thank you Teresa, hugs back at you!
doreenb8 recently posted…The Snowman…
Not only is this a valuable list, but a thoughtful way to regain perspective while going through some very stressful times. In the end we said “screw any diet” and gave my grandmother all of her favorite foods. I still see her smile as I walked in the door with McDonald’s french fries. Those are the things that stay with you.
Karen @BakingInATornado recently posted…Fly on the Wall: Dinner Wars
I love that!
doreenb8 recently posted…The Snowman…
Such a valuable list! There is so much wisdom in all this, and what will particularly stick with me is the question, ‘What will it matter in the end?” Thank you for sharing all this wisdom 🙂
Joy recently posted…Our Children’s Moral Compass
That really is the point. I know too many people that live with guilt over things they did that only seem silly in the end.
doreenb8 recently posted…The Snowman…
Of course there are exceptions to every rule…but this list should definitely go on a caregivers fridge. It’s the idea of most of it…which is please, for heaven’s sake don’t sweat the small stuff. Yes, Let Them Eat Cake…and smile with them while you’re at it! Read Doreen’s book and all caregivers will so appreciate her honesty and journey! Love to you both, Rena and Doreen!
Cathy Sikorski recently posted…I see….no wait, I don’t see……
Thank you so much Cathy!
doreenb8 recently posted…The Snowman…
This is some of the best advice I’ve seen on the subject of aging parents. Thank you for making common sense the theme.
Thank you so much Carol, I am big on common sense!
doreenb8 recently posted…The Snowman…
Best advice I’ve ever read for family and/or caregivers!
Thank you so very much!
Hi Doreen, love the cake thing. My mother lived to be 97 and the last meal she had on this earth was chocolate pudding. I just thought of this reading your post. And yes compromise is huge and you don’t want to create an angry situation that might be the last encounter you have with this special person in your life. And yes, crushing some pills can be dangerous. Most pharmacists will label and warn you. THANKS.
Beth Havey recently posted…Ruckus About The Caucus: My Iowa Life
My mother in law loved chocolate pudding! Also I would never crush pills without consulting with the pharmacist, I should have put that in there!
doreenb8 recently posted…The Snowman…
Wise words, Doreen. You have been there and I trust your advice completely. This post should be required reading for us midlifers!
Thank you so much Helene. It wasn’t always easy but in the end I wanted there to be smiles.
doreenb8 recently posted…The Snowman…
Every one of these pointers is right on! Especially don’t argue. Both my parents are gone now…these would have been a great reinforcement for me to read before they passed. It’s so important to be kind to them and as you said, yourself too!
Carolann recently posted…Chocolate Crinkle Cookie Recipe – Little Pops Of Pleasure
This is a brilliant list. We finally figured these things out after much trial and error with my mother in law. During her last year, she almost exclusively ate Haagen Daaz ice cream bars. We never argued with her about it, and it made her happy!
Lana recently posted…Motivational Monday XXVI
Such a thoughtful list! I love it, and I remember my mom doing exactly this for my grandmom!
Your updated site looks lovely, Rena! I love your header!!
I’m loving the guest posts Rena. I use similar tactics with my kids.
Liv recently posted…NoseFrida Snot Sucker Recall