Opening Up A Can Of Worms
When I created The Diary of an Alzheimer’s Caregiver I didn’t do it with the thought of becoming one thing or the other. I started it to just be doing something, anything. The isolation that is my constant companion through this life had gotten so deafening that I could no longer hear myself think. The voices inside my head were just screaming to escape and the only thing I could do was whisper into a pillow. Until I started this blog and since then it’s become my homemade version of some kind of therapy. I’m not really sure what kind, but there were enough issues that any would probably fit the bill.
I’ve always had this problem of worrying too much of what people think of me. I say I don’t, but I really do and I’m pretty sure we all do to some degree even if we are just deluding ourselves. Anyway, I have enough issues without knit picking yours. I don’t like that about me. You know I’ve never said that out loud either. Maybe the reason is because I’m always whispering. Afraid to interrupt or God forbid bother someone or make waves. You know someone who blends in so well that they are often forgotten altogether. The kind of person who has such low self-esteem that she just wants to agree with everyone so no one gets angry at her and then it turns out that nobody remembered her in the first place.
How do we become molded into the person we are today. Is it environmental and blowing across our features like a cold Canadian wind that seeps through your clothes deep into your bones. Pressure from family, careers, and lifestyles bending and beating us into the submissive, bland people who keep the world revolving in an orderly fashion because we ALWAYS follow the rules and never deviate from the plan. Aren’t they usually the ones who crack up first? I sure as hell don’t want to be that person.
So I think I’ll start a blog that’s what I said. That way I can figure out who the heck I am because honestly at 44(then) I have no effen clue who I am and that scares me worse than anything ever has in my life. I’m so bland and pathetic that even I have forgotten(or more than likely never known) who I am. That’s where I started tonight. I don’t know where it’s coming from exactly, but forgive me for letting it slither out to see if the coast is clear for a littlele while. I’m 46 now and I’ve been writing here for almost 3 years and I still have no idea who I am. I’ve not gotten any closer to figuring it out because I forgot! What about me makes me so easy to forget?
I let Alzheimer’s take the lead because being a positive caregiver was a whole lot easier than being a middle-aged woman with a whole lot of baggage and a bad back. Is it because maybe I don’t like who I am and I’m afraid that if I pull up the blinds that maybe you won’t like me either? Now, that’s going to take some thought, but if I don’t know me how can you know me and some of you know more about me than anyone ever has. Is it because I never give out clues or is it because what’s there is nothing of substance.
How do you figure out who you are if you don’t know how? Seriously, I’m not looking for sympathy or anything like that I just want to have a real conversation about things that I have no clue about. We’re all in the same boat, but it seems like most of you got a fish finder with yours and I got an anchor. Can I get an exchange or a refund? An owner’s manual would help even if it is in Chinese or something. The one thing that is propelling me forward is knowing that besides my husband and even he needs to buy a few vowels, there isn’t one person in this world who knows the real me and I can’t tell you how suddenly alone that feels.
At 46, I have to be about half way through this life, and let’s face it the way I’ve treated this body probably a lot more than half, but I just don’t want to go any further looking at a stranger in the mirror. For those of you needing some words of wisdom from one caregiver to another, I just don’t have any today and maybe I never did. I’m truly sorry about that. Maybe there’s a caregiver and a patient inside of each and every one of us and today I guess I’ll be the patient.
I think there will be more to this and if that is more than you can stand I understand. Remember I’ve been forgetting me for a whole lot of years and I can testify to how easy it is.
I think you need some help. This level of low self esteem is consistent with depression and I strongly suggest you see your doctor and discuss these issues with them. It may be that a combination of medication and therapy would work wonders. It’s got to be worth a try to stop you feeling this low. I say this as a GP – I am currently at work and I have seen at least four people this morning with depression and none sound as if they are suffering as much as you are.
Thank you so much taking the time to comment to me. I have been through depression many times in my life and somehow this just feels different. It’s been a rough few months since the loss of my brother and worse than that are the changes that I’ve witness momma go through over this time. I finally feel as if I am coming out of a nightmare and just waking up. What I said was brutually honest and real and there were about 2000 more words that I had written that night. I’ve started asking questions and medical questions included and have an appt in the morning as a matter of fact. I don’t know if you’ve read any of my older posts, but I went through a whole lot in a short time and I’ve only just entered my new phase of normal. Not only has my mind changed, but so has my body not to mention my lifestyle and I’m trying to figure out how to be a great caregiver and also a great person sometimes it may not be pretty, but it always about positivity. It makes me feel good to know that I have the kind of readers that would reach out to me if they thought I needed it. So thank you very much you’ve given me a great gift.
Hmmmmm……well, let me tell you who I see when I see you. I see an incredibly strong and caring woman who not only cares for her mother w/Alzheimers, but also cares for her immediate family, daughter, grandchildren. I see someone who reaches out to others and always offers a warm and empathetic shoulder. I see someone strong, vulnerable and compassionate. I see someone who is constantly seeking in life, who wants to be the best she can be. And….I’ve been there, too. In fact, I’m there at least once a week, wondering who I am and if I make a difference in the world. Please know that you do. xoxoxo
Claudia Schmidt recently posted…Time To Throw Away the College Guides
Claudia, that is probably one of the nicest things anybody has ever said to me. Thank you so much. I have learned so much from you about strength and bravery and courage. You took a horrible diagnosis and you fought it back and won and not only that you did your research magic and taught the world what we needed to know. I know that will never skip a mamogram again. I wonder dear sweet lady how many lives you will have saved. I can’t believe that someone as together as you would have an ounce of anxiety. I hope one day I’ll see what you see.
You have taken a very important step and I am so glad you decided to share how you are feeling. You are right — no one really knows the real you. But sharing from your gut, as you have here will help people to understand what you are going through and there will be many who can relate and hopefully, help you.
I know there are better days ahead for you – in every arena. Your new ventures are something you can be very proud of especially in the light of all the trauma you have had in your life recently.
I am proud to call you friend and I respect you and all you are doing. I am not alone — many people hold you in the highest regard. You deserve the praise.
Carol Graham recently posted…What Do You Hate About Spring?
There is plenty more to come I believe before it’s all said and done. I know I am able to say what I need to say because of friendships like yours.
First—you have never written better
Second—it’s so normal to reach plateaus where everything, about yourself, seems horrible, driftless, and unmoored—and too see others the same way
Third—there is always a time the caregiver needs caring.Reaching out is the best thing you can do
Fourth Nobody is wise 24/7; nobody has words of wisdom every day or even every month. If you don’t think many therapists fake it till….
Five—love you!
pia recently posted…Back In The ’70’s: memoir
Oh Pia, I love you like a sister! You are my fiercest supporter and I thank God every day for you!
Rena, I feel I know you and like you and think highly of you. Even if I wasn’t in awe of your commitment to your Mother with this horrible disease, I know from where I speak, not everyone could or would take on this challenge, reading your posts reveal a loving kind woman. The kind of woman I would be honored to call my friend!
Haralee recently posted…3 D Mammography, The Big Squish is Less Painful
It is so amazing to me the kind of relationships that I’ve gotten to be a part of through this crazy world, but I thank God for it and you. People say that online friendships aren’t real they just don’t know.
The irony is that your post shows a huge amount of self-awareness. What will you do today to be the patient? Can you get time away from your caretaking for a bit?
Hugs your way
kymberlyfunfit recently posted…Sleep Better; Weigh Less; Prevent Weight Gain
Thanks Kymberly. Not that day, but one day real soon! I’ll tell you all about it.
You are one incredible lady in more ways than I could name, but mostly compassionate, caring and lovely. Every word you write and everything you say is wonderful and inspiring. So there! Take that, Rena, and feel like the beautiful woman you are.
Dump that entire can of worms out and let whatever slithers out, slither out. Pull those blinds up, I am honored to have met you this year and consider it a privilege to journey with you as you discover you. Keep writing. Keeping you close in thought and prayer today.
No one can truly know how we feel, but I do understand some of what you’re saying. Life can be messy and complicated (cliche, I know) and sometimes we’re down. It can be temporary or it can be the beginning of a big change. Feel how you feel. Say how you feel. There are many of us who care about you, are proud to know you, and know you’ll find some meaning in these feelings. As long as you remember to “appreciate the good, laugh at the crazy, and deal with the rest.” And I know you will.
Karen @BakingInATornado recently posted…Blog With Friends: Cheese Steak and Potato Pie
You are a smart, compassionate, thoughtful woman and I respect what you do so much. You carry so much on your shoulders and understandably the load can get heavy. Can you grab some “me” time, even an hour or two? Get coffee with a friend? Better yet, a massage? xo
Oh Rena, I wish we lived closer so I could come over and give you a hug. I really do know how you’re feeling right now. Being able to write about it is so helpful, and I haven’t felt much like doing that lately. Time heals and you will feel better. Please take care of yourself – you are such a valuable friend with a fantastic voice.
Lana recently posted…Motivational Monday XLII
All of the comments above are filled with nothing but loving admiration for you…and I agree totally. I think we can get wrapped up in a belief that we don’t know who we are when we clearly do. You are exactly how you choose to see yourself and nothing more or less. I think if you change the internal dialogue you’ll begin to change your thinking about who you are. I think our perceptions about how we see ourself defines who we are. Change the thinking, change the perception. Anyway, this was a beautifully written post. I can relate to so much of it!
Carolann recently posted…10 Killer Tricks To Boost Your Smartphone Photography
Rena – I think you just voiced the thoughts and self-doubts we all have and feel. The things you list as weaknesses are what I see as your strengths. You have battled more challenges than what most of us, all-together, have had to face – and you have come out the other side still kind, caring and very, very remarkably talented. The connections you have been able to make with just a keyboard could not have happened with a person less authentic than yourself. Keep on being yourself, my friend – if I thought you had no faults, I would like you a whole lot less!
SusanF – ofeverymoment recently posted…A Pleasant Stay at a Hotel in Houston
This post is moving, it makes me want to cry. We’re in the same boat, as you said Rena, and I wish we could meet to cheer us both up. Try to pull through the shizz:) I feel there’s going to be light at the end of the tunnel. It has to be! Otherwise what’s the point. Don’t give up, you know we’re all there for you:)
Sending you my love
xx Abby
Abby@midlifecrisisnut.com recently posted…11 Biggest Misconceptions Men Have About Women, Debunked
Hi Rena….I’ve finally just found my way to reading this post and agree with some of the others here. It is one of your best because it raises some of the most important and fundamental questions that any of us can ask. During a couple of times in my life I have participated in a workshop where I, along with everyone in the class, was instructed to answer a question: Who are you? Sounds simple right? The thing is after you answer, the instructor asks again, “Who are you?” over and over again. At first the answers are easy. As you say you say something like daughter, wife, mother, etc. But after ten answers or so it becomes tricky. After 20+ it gets hard. But much like peeling the layers of an onion, the answers start pointing to more universal truths that we all contain. Ultimately, that is the point of the exercise. I’m convinced that most of the answers we give to that question of who we are are just the facades we use to fit into society–to who we think we NEED to be. Who we REALLY are, the deeper reality of us, is so cosmic that none of us can ever really know. But just asking that question starts us on an incredible journey of self-discovery. You my friend have so very much ahead of you! Thank you for serving as an example to us all. ~Kathy
Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com recently posted…The Courage To Live Your Creativity With Stubborn Delight
Rena, you’re one of the sweetest bloggers I know and I’m so glad you shared what you did. I can see how you’re beginning to find your way through your new blog while continuing to be a solid strong voice for caregivers. I’m quite certain there are a lot of people out there who dip into your blig for inspiration and to experience your warmth.
We all need to be constantly aware of the need to nurture our spirits and pamper our bodies. Praying that you’ll find a way to do that. ♥
Corinne Rodrigues recently posted…Now I Become Myself #MondayMusings
I see a Great Person!
I started blogging as an outlet too. And it’s been a great one. And led me to “meet” a number of amazing women – including yourself.
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