This post was originally written in Jan of 2015 but has been reworked. I hope you enjoy it
I’m going to tell you a secret. I really had myself stressed out wondering how my mom was going to react once the new grandbabies arrived. She tends to get jealous over the other relationships in my life. My husband and daughter are sometimes forced to walk a very fine line just to keep the peace these days.
It sometimes causes stress, but we just have to remember that it is not the reality. The reality is, she’s afraid of being abandoned no matter what I say or do to show her otherwise. It’s just another part of Alzheimer’s Disease. It has already taken so much from her and now it wants even more.
It is taking her personality and changing it into something unrecognizable. She is confused by her own emotions and this undoubtedly scares the hell out of her. Her memory and behavior have deteriorated and at times she becomes aware of this. The look that comes into her eyes when she has that moment of clarity breaks my heart. The sundowning that used to start around 5 pm every day now begins about 1, due partly to the shorter days of winter, at least this is what I tell myself.
When she first learned that my daughter was pregnant, and then that she was having two, she didn’t seem happy about it at all. I remember one night when I was talking about it, she made the comment “Babies are born every day, it isn’t a big deal”. I was shocked by her lackluster attitude. A sense of foreboding began to come over me.
It was sad to have to hide my excitement. My grandbabies are miracles. Babies we had already given up on. Our baby girl having her own babies was something we were told just wasn’t possible.
Of course, I wanted to talk about it. It’s all I wanted to talk about and she’d roll her eyes and sigh. So I started mentioning them less and less. Then at a certain point, it shifted to my daughter and what she was going through which made life a little easier since she had always had a special bond with her.
The good news is that now that they are here and she can see them, it is not such a scary thought to her. She shops for them, she sews for them, and she talks about them All OF THE TIME and just laughs and smiles.
Of course, now they are two and a half years old and a huge part of our life. If they aren’t here she is asking about them. They run to her with love in their eyes and she answers that look with love of her own for each one. She plays with them, she sings to them, she comes alive for them. It’s an amazing transformation to watch and makes my heart sing.
What surprised me most, though, regarding her first feelings on the subject was my own reaction to this negativity she seemed to have. It made me angry, even though in my head I knew it wasn’t her and that my feelings were not fair. I knew in my head that it was Alzheimer’s fault, but it took my heart a little while to catch up. I was mad that this joy was going to be taken from me too. Was I going to have to give up one more thing in my life? I was shocked and ashamed of myself, but then I had to forgive myself and move on.
I knew in my head that it was Alzheimer’s fault, but it took my heart a little while to catch up. I was mad that this joy was going to be taken from me too. Was I going to have to give up one more thing in my life? I was shocked and ashamed of myself, but then I had to forgive myself and move on.
As caregivers, we have to give ourselves the right to feel what we feel. Whether it is anger, or grief, or even guilt. Holding them in or trying to deny them only gives these negative feelings more power. Pull those babies out and look at them under a microscope and then throw them over your shoulder and move on.
I don’t know how I would have handled it if she hadn’t changed once they arrived. I’m just glad that I don’t have to figure it out right now. I’m thrilled to be a grandma and I can’t wait to watch them grow up in a family that loves them like they’re meant to be loved. Like the special gifts that they are.
There’s no end to how this disease impacts people and their families. xo
I feel your struggle. My mother-in-law did not have Alzheimers but suffered from dementia. My daughter was her most-favored grandchild, and when she got married I thought, this is wonderful: I can tell my mother-in-law and she can ask and re-ask about it but it will be a lovely topic to talk about. That is not what happened. Though we had arranged for her to come to the wedding, she did not of course remember. And every time I mentioned “Rebecca got married,” my mother-in-law would say, “Why wasn’t I invited to the wedding?”
I can have a sense of humor about it, mostly because my mother-in-law didn’t live with us. Whatever the cause of dementia, it is a hard road to travel when we see our loved one’s personality disappear, as your blog posts make clear.
I’m so sorry that you weren’t able to share the joy of expecting the twins with your mom as much as you’d have liked, but I’m thrilled that she smiles when she holds them.
Oh I am so glad it’s turning out as good as it can. You are a strong, strong woman, my friend.
This line “It is taking her personality and changing it into something unrecognizable” says it all. My prayers are with you! Great post!
You are one wonderful lady and I don’t blame you for any of your feelings. I don’t walk in your shoes. This is a difficult situation, but those babies are Heaven so enjoy them. Enjoy them. Enjoy them!
I specialized in dementia as a social worker. What you’re describing is so typical what’s not typical is how much you care, understand and care for her.
I think I know you well enough now to know you won’t let anything come between you and those babies and you shouldn’t.
As you take time for her.
What I don’t think you realize is how much of a model you are for others.
Don’t get down on yourself. Every situation will require a different response, sometimes daily! We never knew how my mother in law was going to react to things, so we just went with the flow, and sometimes you just need to keep the peace. I’m so glad she was happy when the babies arrived.
I think one of your best qualities as your mom’s caregiver is being able to step back and realize your mom’s behavior is related to her disease, not the person she really is. So glad she is accepting of the babies. How nice that she is sewing for them!
Don’t be hard on yourself. You are wonderful for doing so much and for feeling so much for her and for your grandchildren!
Thank you Roshni for your wonderful comments!
It is very hard to separate one’s self from the things said by a loved one suffering from Alzheimer’s. Probably because there are random moments of lucidness where the person talks and acts like their old selves and then you get blindsided by the Alz doppelganger when you think you are still dealing with the person you’ve always known. Very tough job! Thanks for your story – it helps in carrying on with our own…
I agree Angie! It is so very hard sometimes because of those few and far between moments. Sometimes it happens so fast that it makes no sense to us.
This is a great post. Rena
Your mother’s jealousy was caused by her Alzheimer’s
Other people become jealous or sometimes seem like they hate you or you annoy them or whatever when in reality they’re going through problems we don’t think about as we tend to personalize and think—it’s me, me, me. Once I realized this life became easier
I missed this the first time. Glad she has welcomed and enjoys the twins. My sister and I were heartbroken when my Mother was not excited to meet her great grand daughter and great grand son. She loved babies and adored her grandchildren . But like you say it is the disease taking hold of the personality.
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I honestly do not know which is worse, cancer or Alzheimer’s. Cancer takes our bodies, as does the treatment, but Alzheimer’s takes what makes us, us. It destroys our very essence, and impacts all who know and love us. I am so grateful that my 89 year old mother in law, for all that she has suffered in the last few years (including cancer, congestive heart failure, and more), hasn’t yet added dementia to the list.
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With this disease, our struggle is real. Our only option is to embrace the reality and accept what is going on. Acceptance will help us cope with the changes of our loved ones and of course the stress brought about by caregiving. Stay strong!
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It’s just not that easy to take care of persons with dementia. We need professional help from caregivers.
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That’s the saddest part. If it’s triggered, there’s nothing we can do.
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