WHY I’M STRUGGLING WITH ACCEPTANCE #1000SPEAK
When I first saw that July’s theme was “acceptance” I knew right away what I would be writing about. I knew because “acceptance” is something that I’ve been struggling so hard to find. So far, I haven’t…maybe this will help.
My husband and I have been together for 24 years and through that time his family has become mine and mine has become his. At least some of them anyway.
When I met my husband his youngest brother was nothing but a spoiled teenager. He was like a pesky mosquito that always seemed to be hovering around us. He idolized my husband and always wanted to be at our house.
Through the years, our relationship grew to become so much more than just BIL and SIL. We grew to have a very special bond and I considered him to be just like my own brother and he considered me to be like his older sister. He would do almost anything for me and I would have done the same for him.
Through the years, he did so many dumb things. There were times I would be so mad it him that I wouldn’t even speak to him, but I still loved him. He loved to party and that became a huge problem for him. It became his reason to live. Everything else in his life took a backseat to his drinking and drugs. They became his friends and family.
We would hear from him regularly, but gone were the days of camping trips, Sunday dinners with whatever sport was in season, playing on the softball team. He had new best friends now and they were Budweiser and Oxycontin.
He was a walking contradiction. In one month, he was arrested for not paying his child support and then miraculously saved the lives of 2 very young children from certain death in a freak accident. The county that had just arrested him then named a day after him.
His addiction to pain killers had taken complete control over his whole life. I’ll never forget when my husband and I walked in on him snorting crushed pills up his nose. We were devastated to say the least. We argued, begged, and pleaded with him to stop, but he didn’t. He just became better at hiding his addictions.
He had gotten a sore throat and lost his voice. At first, it was no big deal. Then the days, weeks, and months went by and he still couldn’t talk. He finally went to see a doctor and after many tests it was determined that he had a cancerous tumor in his throat and it had wrapped itself around his vocal chords cutting off his words forever.
“We can fix this,” the doctors told him, “but you need to stay in the hospital for treatments. If not it will grow and eventually cut off your air supply.” He stayed and had surgery. They did a tracheotomy just so he could breath. A funny thing about hospitals they like to be in control of certain things like pain medication.
To him the pull of his addictions was so much stronger than his will to live. Instead of having a life saving surgery to remove the tumor he decided to go home instead, with an endless supply of his precious pain pills. At 41 years old he died from suffocation. The tumor finally smothered him to death.
I am so angry. I can’t seem to find the acceptance that you can’t change people. That only they can change themselves. I can’t seem to be able to accept that his love for drugs and alcohol were so much stronger than his love for his family. I hope with time I’ll finally find the acceptance I need to let go of some of this anger.
Appreciate the good, laugh at the crazy, and deal with the rest.
I love you momma!